Intentional Connection State of mind Change: You, Me, & We


you, me, and we

“In almost certainly the most trustworthy survey ever finished on divorce, by Lynn Gigy, Ph.D., and Joan Kelly, Ph.D., from the Divorce Meditation Task in Corte Madera, California, 80% of divorced men and girls stated their relationship broke up mainly because they little by little grew apart and misplaced a perception of closeness, or due to the fact they did not feel loved and appreciated.” – Dr. John Gottman [1]

In the early levels of a romantic marriage, there’s an simple enjoyment in shelling out time alongside one another. We eagerly make designs, check with each other thoughts, and embark on adventures. The curiosity about our lover and the flutter of butterflies in our stomachs are all pushed by the release of dopamine, a hormone that floods our brains when anything new and novel captures our awareness. This surge of dopamine makes attraction and retains us hooked—it’s addictive in character.

On the other hand, as time goes on, the initial excitement fades absent, and our hormone amounts return to usual. We settle into routines and develop into intertwined in just about every other’s day-to-day life. Regrettably, this familiarity usually potential customers us to get the connection for granted and unintentionally neglect it.

On a simple amount, this change in focus is easy to understand. Lifetime happens, and our priorities start to change in direction of far more urgent issues these types of as parenting, professions, and funds. For occasion, research have revealed that 67% of new mothers and fathers knowledge a decline in relational fulfillment inside the 1st three years of their child’s daily life.[2] As our attention gets to be consumed by other aspects of existence, the gap amongst partners widens, and the psychological disconnect grows.

The fantastic information is that if we actively opt for to nurture our romantic relationship by dedicating time, electrical power, and effort and hard work to it, our brains can generate additional oxytocin—the “love hormone.” Oxytocin performs a crucial job in bonding and fostering affection between associates. When we engage in behaviors that promote connection and intimacy, this sort of as physical contact and emotional assist, our brains launch more oxytocin.

On the other hand, a considerable problem in generating this oxytocin-pushed connection lies in how we perceive the marriage by itself. Normally, we look at a monogamous marriage as a dyadic entity—just “you” and “me.” 

In fact, there is a third entity that calls for notice: “we.” 

you, me, we

Recognizing the significance of the “we” in the partnership allows us to have an understanding of that it is not exclusively a single partner’s fault or a unexpected adjust in character that will cause stress. It is the relationship in between the two individuals.

By shifting our perspective and acknowledging the “we” as a distinctive entity current among us, we can operate together to mend and revitalize the electrical power inside the relationship. Instead of blaming our husband or wife for not caring plenty of or emotion perpetually insufficient, we can solution the issues as a united front, concentrating on reworking the vitality involving us.

In a lot of situations, thoughts of length and disconnection crop up from a absence of nurturing link, fairly than the actions of an inherently “bad” companion. Recognizing that the partnership alone demands nourishment and collaborating to achieve that intention would make the course of action of strengthening the connection less difficult for both companions.

This change in way of thinking transforms the problems we encounter into shared obstacles that we can triumph over collectively. By viewing the romantic relationship as a 3rd entity with its have set of needs, we foster a sense of partnership, fairly than animosity.

Look at this: If you and your lover were equipped to see the romance as a unique entity with its own requirements, what part of your romantic relationship could potentially modify? Embracing this point of view opens up possibilities for advancement and collaboration, allowing each associates to actively contribute to the perfectly-getting of the relationship.


[1] Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The 7 Ideas for Earning Relationship Function: A Realistic Tutorial from the Country’s Foremost Partnership Professional. Harmony Books, 18.

 [2] Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). The Purely natural Principles of Enjoy. Journal of Family members Concept & Review, 9(1), 7–26.


Source connection

Related Post